So just a quick recap: the Seahawks demolished King Peyton and his bucking Broncos. The Legion of Boom made Peyton look like a middle school quarterback playing in his first important game ever. Now that we have that established, let’s talk about the more pressing matters of the Realm…the 2014-2015 season that is quickly coming upon us. Yes, as you are reading this there are many different fantasies playing around in your mind. The first is that whatever team you support will win the Super Bowl. Hate to break it to you, but there is no more than a fool’s hope for you….well fools. You see if i picked thirty-two people, each representing a different team, and made them watch the season on camera every week here is what would happen. After one week fans of the following teams (yes, I said teams) would want to be taken to the guillotine: The Browns, The Jags, and well maybe just those two teams for the first week, the rest of the fools would claim a rebound week coming up. Why the Browns? Well for one, Manziel the Boy Wonder is getting out performed by an ex Big Ten quarterback who has no flash, no pizazz, and no charisma to speak of. And yet, while Manziel is off in all the pubs and clubs of the Realm, Hoyer is more than likely hunkered down in his modest home watching film and preparing for the week to come. But I guarantee that if Manziel plays, he will play like he did in the first half of his bowl game this year, where Duke put a beating on him. The Jags are just hopeless…need I say more?
By week 4, fans of the Vikings, Jets, Cowboys, and probably the Panthers will all write this season off as a rebuilding or retooling year as the Miami Heat are claiming in the world of the NBA. By week 10, the top eight teams in the NFL will be clearly defined as follows: the Broncos, the Seahawks, the Patriots, the Steelers, the 49ers, the Packers, the Lions, and the Colts. The fans of these teams will naturally be bragging every week and shoving their successes in everyone else’s’ face. When the playoffs roll around, the four teams added will be the Bengals and the Chiefs in the AFC and the Redskins and the surprising Buccaneers (write it down boys and girls). All the other fans will then be forced to watch the playoffs as “fans of the NFL” or become “Conference/Division fans” or just say to heck with it and be bandwagon fans for whichever team wins the Super Bowl, claiming they were their second favorite team! With each passing week we will see fans become reduced to balls of tears as their team is eliminated until there are only two teams left: the Patriots and the 49ers. This match up will end in the ultimate stare down between old wrinkly face Bill Belichick and Mr. Grouchy himself, Jim Harbaugh. Kaepernick’s tattoos will distract Tom Brady and make him jealous as he sports his new Ugg Cleats and the Patriots will fall to the finally successful 49ers. You read it here first everyone, San Fran to win the Super Bowl (please don’t take this prediction with any kind of sincerity, I only won the predictions competition within my fantasy league last year).
Within the Realm, training camp is in full swing now, and the ESPN reports are flowing in to living rooms, bedrooms, kitchens, and every other room in most houses across the nation. Which of course means that A) there are a few angry spouses and significant others that can’t get their partner’s attention (see what I did there? NO gender discrimination within the Magical Realm!) but B) it means that I am back writing about the fictitious wars aged by different teams as their real life counterparts play in a fairly friendly game of touch football, brought to you by the commissioner himself, Roger Goodell. Be prepared for a snarky, funny, and sometimes informational take on the NFL as each team begins their quest to get back to the Lombardi Kingdom and claim the fabled trophy while etching their names into the sand on the island because we all know that whoever won last year is essentially wiped away by the start of the new season!