King Goodell the First loves to pit his Earls and Dukes against each other in a riveting day of Turkey Jousting every Thanksgiving. Some of these are annual bouts, while others are interchangeable. This year, Turkey Jousting will be particularly interesting, with one division leader going up against a division foe, America’s team facing the black hole of the NFL, and a finishing off with another divisional rivalry, this time in the AFC. Have no fear, citizens; you can be sure that these games will be interesting, entertaining, and most likely gruesome. Not to mention, an all-star cast of experts has been assembled to help make sense of these games and make their picks for Turkey Day.
Packers at Lions: Starting off the festivities, King Goodell has selected a classic turkey jousting match-up between the Cheese-heads and Lions. The Lions come in clinging to their Division lead; while the Pack are starting their FOURTH different quarterback this season.
–Richard the Lionhearted: This is always an interesting match-up. At one end, the Packers always perform well on Thanksgiving, but I think my Lions are going to pounce on the instability of the Packers field general situation and take this one home. Lions win: 28-24.
–Swiss Guard: We are glad to have this opportunity to come to watch this event, as the Pope himself is here! Anyway, the last time Flynn started for the Packers, he had a statistical game to rival that of the General himself, Aaron Rodgers. Look for the same again if he starts, Packers win big: 42-21. Go cheese!!
Raiders at Cowboys: This is a special treat as neither of these teams plays each other that often. This joust is that of an underdog facing a mid-level knight, a tough enough battle for the underdog without proclaiming it David vs. Goliath.
–Captain Barbossa: A land vs sea battle is what we have on tap in this match-up. I feel a change in the winds as the Raiders plunder their way to the Jerry Dome. The Raiders surprise the crowd tonight says I: 24-21.
— Indiana Jones: I know, I know, I’m not a real cowboy. BUT, I dress like one and before they came around, I was America’s sweetheart Professor with an edge. My intelligence says that the ‘Boys keep their momentum going off the short week, looking to Dez and Jason to come up with big plays. Cowboys in an unsurprising beat-down: 35-10.
Steelers at Ravens: A rivalry for the ages, a gift from the heavens themselves, the final match-up of the night pits the highest (possibly over-???) paid quarterback against the Steel Curtain.
–Bumblebee: If the Steelers wear my jerseys again, I think they will be unstoppable. Roethlisberger seems to have things figured out heading into the final weeks of the season, while Flacco continues to show he is merely a lucky guy occasionally. Steelers roll through Baltimore: 35-21.
–Edgar Allen Poe: Not so fast, my dear Bumblebee. Is it not obvious that MY Ravens are the superior team? Why, it is as if they are simply poetic when on the field, mixing in runs and passes that mix to create a wonderful masterpiece of offense, while adding in those marvelous caesuras on defense to get off the field quickly. They write themselves a classic in this match-up, Ravens take home the win: 21-17.
There you have it, we cannot wait to see everyone in the stadium on Thursday for the 89th Annual Turkey Jousts! May the Turkey be ever in your favor!