Who to Sell Your Soul to in the Magical Realm of the NFL

By: Eric

After a week that began with the most bizarre trade I can think of, the Cleveland Browns beat the Vikings…yes, you read that correctly, they actually won. And i know, last week I said that Hoyer better be able to run like a mad man to avoid the crazy rush of the Vikings defense without a back to take pressure off of him. Well guys, he did it and he did it well. The Browns one dimensional offense showed a flair for the dramatic, a flair that had the mediocre Vikings chasing after receivers all day. So this week, I have decided to compile a list of teams, players, and coaches that have sold their souls to try to help their teams, they may have just picked the wrong divinity in some cases.

Winners:

—First we have the aforementioned Hoyer, who in a joint soul-selling venture with Jordan Cameron sold their souls to the Super Bowl XXXIII Denver Broncos and their QB-TE tandem of John Elway and Shannon Sharpe. Hopefully, the Browns don’t play the Broncos this year, otherwise Elway may be a little conflicted. But it certainly paid off for Hoyer, going 30/54, 321 yards, and 3 TD’s to balance out the 3 INT’s. And, Cameron gets lumped in with him as the recipient of all three touchdowns.

—Did I mention the Broncos? I hear they have this guy named Manning…He seems rather good most years, but breaking a record three games in is a little sketchy. His 12 TD’s and 1,143 passing yards are leading the league this year. And he hasn’t thrown an INT yet (hurry Bronco fans knock on wood, say a prayer, do what must be done to make that not a jinx!!!) Anyway, I’m gonna say that Peyton sold his soul to Gandalf because only Gandalf could produce this kind of craziness and do it all in Gaelic or some other crazy language.

—And finally, we have Justin Hunter. This is really a toss up to see if more is to come from this recent soul-selling endeavor, but when your first catch of your NFL career is a thirty-four yard, game winning touchdown pass, it screams deal with the devil. Clearly, Mister Hunter has sold his Volunteer soul to the devil himself, Albert the Gator (Florida’s mascot). After watching his Alma Mater go down in flames to the Gators on Saturday, Hunter sold his soul to Albert and became the most clutch receiver of the weekend.

Unfortunately, sometimes when you make deals with the devil, you get burned. For these unlucky people, that is exactly what happened.

Losers:

—Tom Coughlin and the New York Giants have once again experienced the pain of a slow start. This year, Coughlin thought he would try something new to get off to a better start by selling his soul to the one and only Rebecca Black. Coughlin should have seen the failure in his ways before signing away the Giants season, but sometimes, you are just too old to see clearly. Black started her singing career strong with the infamous “Friday” but has since faded to the background of mediocrity bordering on horribly displeasing. Such is the life of the New York Giants, maybe Coughlin can split his soul and sell the new portion to a closer, like Mariano Rivera…

—Adrian Peterson hyped up his fandom by convincing everyone he was going to run for like a trillion yards this season, no problem. He sold his soul to the Greek God Hermes. He hoped to deliver message to the Touchdown gods on a regular basis by covering large spans of turf, say 2,500 yards or so. He also hoped to allude would-be tacklers with his swift moves and tricky footwork. So far, this has not been the case. He has only glimpsed 100 yards in a game once, by rushing for exactly 100 yds against Chicago, but his 281 yards on the season are not going to get him to his projection for the season. Find a new recipient for your soul.

—And our final loser for the week is Aaron Rodgers. His Green Bay Packers are 1-2, only beating the thrice beaten Redskins. Some would say that it isn’t Rodgers’ fault that they are losing this year, however it appears that Rodgers sold his soul to the actor in the State Farm commercials that stole his touchdown dance. He agreed to stop being annoying in the commercials if he could have Rodgers’ soul, but then he decided to keep on doing it anyway. Rodgers fumbled the ball when he needed to orchestrate the game sealing drive, and it resulted in a Bengals fumble recovery for a touchdown by Terrance Newman. Maybe you should sell your soul to Newman, or perhaps Brett Favre, it may end better for you Aaron.

Well, that’s all for this week in the Magical Realm, hopefully the losers can purchase their souls back and sell them to better deities, if not, their teams will continue to struggle. And for those winners at the top, don’t get complacent, you never know when your soul will lose its worth to its buyer.

Author: Eric

Aloha Sports Fans! My name is Eric and I have been friends with Blaine ever since he moved to my home town in eighth grade. Together we sat around talking and bouncing opinions off of each other about everything sports related. So when he started this website, I was a big advocate and now a writer. While Blaine covers the majority of the content, including everything serious, I like to give a satirical outlook on the weeks as they go by and some of the more peculiar things that happen during the season. And yes, there is definite research and football knowledge behind my posts, it just shows up in bizarre forms as the Magical Realm of the NFL took shape last year. Finally, just because it is fun to brag, I dominated the expert predictions last year and you can follow my certain fall from grace this season on that page as well.

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