The Magical Realm of the NFL: A Weekly Parody Column
Well, we made it through two weeks of the NFL season this year relatively unscathed. And then the Browns had to go and do something stupid, go figure. Leave it to the Browns to make a move so ridiculous that it looked like something straight out of The League. Only instead of Andre giving up his best player for an injured player or someone that may have come back that season, the Browns one upped themselves and traded away their only offense for a first round pick next year. This coming a year and a half after trading a pile of first rounders to move up and draft Richardson in the first place; in other words, this is great managing. In honor of the most ridiculous thing to happen to the NFL since the Buttfumble, I present the trades that I think are soon to follow the groundbreaking decision by the Browns:
— After serious consideration of his play so far, the Minnesota Vikings are trading Adrian Peterson to the Patriots for Bill Belichick’s cut off sweatshirts. They think that the mystical powers of the sweatshirt will be more beneficial in the long run than 1800-2000 rushing yards and a host of TD’s a year.
— In a multiplayer trade, the Seahawks have traded Russell Wilson and Marshawn Beast Mode Lynch for Cowboys Stadium. Seahawks management feels that both sides are receiving equal value in the trade and it will give the fabled 12th man a larger Hawks’ Nest to rock. If you live in Dallas, there will be a flock of Seahawks coming to relocate the stadium to Seattle and replace it with CenturyLink Field.
— Rounding out the weirdest week of trades in the NFL, the Denver Broncos have traded Peyton Manning for rights to the first pick in the 2024 NFL Draft. They will be selecting the NFL play 60 kid, with the hopes of demoralizing all other QB’s in the league. Meanwhile, they hope their QB vacancy will be filled by Tim Tebow, as they have come to the realization that Manning’s 7 TD performance in Week 1 and 2 TD performance in Week 2 were not up to par with what Tebow could do. After all, Tebow completes at least 9 Hail Mary’s every week, leading to more touchdowns than the Broncos could ever hope to get from Manning.
Check back each week for more confounding happenings in the NFL, and please hope that Brian Hoyer runs faster than anyone else in the NFL…otherwise he may just quit and leave the Browns without a QB…again. Maybe Cleveland really is playing in a different world where being the worst is actually being the best, but in this world, that simply will not do.